The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky
I'm reading The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. I's a special book for mainly one reason: it shows Vaslav Nijinsky, a very famous person—perhaps the most famous dancer of all time—in his own words as he descends into madness.
It was first published in a highly bowdlerized edition; in 1995, the first unexpurgated edition was released.
Reading Nijinsky's diary is extremely freeing—because he writes perhaps without boundaries—and at the same time very trying. It's trying because he was obviously very ill at the time of writing; seems to get worse as the diary goes by; I've read a little more than a third of the diary so far.
A lot of texts are written as large swathes of text, not paragraphed. Here's just a few examples.
I showed her the blood on my foot. She does not like blood. I gave her to understand that blood was war and that I did not like war. I asked her a question about life by showing her a prostitute's dance. She felt it, but did not leave, because she knew I was playacting. The others thought I would lie down on the floor and make love. I did not want to complicate the evening and therefore got up whenever it was necessary. I felt God throughout the evening. He loved me. I loved Him. Our marriage was solemnized. In the carriage I told my wife that today was the day of my marriage to God. She felt this in the carriage, but lost the feeling in the course of the evening. I loved her and therefore gave her my hand, saying that I felt good. She felt the opposite.
I do not want to dance in St. Moritz, because people do not like me. I know they think I am a sick man. I am sorry for them because they think I am sick. I am in good health, and I do not spare my strength. I will dance more than ever. I want to teach dancing and will therefore work a little every day. I will also write. I will not go to evening parties anymore. I have had enough of this kind of jollity to last me a lifetime. I don't like jollity. I understand what jollity is. I am not cheerful and jolly, because I know that jollity is death. Jollity is the death of the mind. I am afraid of death, and therefore I love life.
I stand on my head in the ballet “Scheherazade,” where I had to represent a wounded beast. I represented the beast well, and therefore the audience understood me. Now I will represent feeling, and the audience will understand me. I know audiences because I have studied them well. Audiences like to be astonished. They know little and are therefore astonished. I know what is needed to astonish an audience, and therefore I am sure to succeed. Do you want to bet that I will have millions? I want to have millions in order to make the Stock Exchange crash. I want to ruin the Stock Exchange. I hate the Stock Exchange. The Stock Exchange is a brothel. I am not a brothel. I am life, and life is love for people. The Stock Exchange is death. The Stock Exchange robs poor people, who bring all the money they have in order to increase it, in the hope of achieving their goals in life. I love the poor and will therefore gamble on the Stock Exchange in order to beat the stockbrokers. Stockbrokers are all men who gamble on the Stock Exchange with vast sums. Vast sums are death, and therefore sums are not God. I want to win money on the Stock Exchange and will therefore go to Zurich one of these days. My wife is urging me to go to Zurich to see a nerve specialist in order to have my nervous system examined.
I do not like past centuries, because I am alive. I cannot write with this ink, because I do not feel it. I like a pencil because I am used to a pencil. I do not know why I picked up the fountain pen, because I can write well with a pencil. I do not have attractive handwriting, because I do not understand fountain pens. I like this fountain pen because it is very convenient. It can be worn in the pocket together with its ink. It is a very ingenious invention, because many people want to have a fountain pen. I do not like fountain pens, because they are not convenient. I will go on writing with mine because I received it as a present from my wife for Christmas. Christmas is a name for a habit that exists all over the world where there are Christians. I do not like Christianity, and therefore I am not a Christian. Catholicism and Orthodoxy are Christianity. I am God and not a Christian. I do not like Christians. I am God and not a Christian.
I do not study people in order to write about them afterward. I want to write in order to explain to people the habits that make feeling die. I want to call this book “Feeling,” I will call this book “Feeling.” I like feeling and will therefore write a lot. I want a big book about feeling because it will contain your whole life. I do not want to publish the book after your death. I want to publish it now. I am afraid for you because you are afraid for yourself. I want to tell the truth. I do not want to offend people. Perhaps you will be put in prison for this book. I will be with you because you love me. I cannot keep silent. I must speak. I know that you will not be put in prison, because you have not committed a legal error. If people want to judge you, you will say that everything you say is said by God. Then you will be sent to a lunatic asylum. You will be confined in a lunatic asylum, and you will understand the lunatics. I want you to be put in prison or in a lunatic asylum. Dostoevsky did a spell of hard labor, and therefore you too can be committed somewhere. I know men whose love never falters within them, and therefore they will not allow you to be committed anywhere. You will be free as a bird, for this book will be published in many thousands of copies. I want to sign “Nijinsky” for the sake of publicity, but my name is God. I love Nijinsky not like Narcissus but like God. I love him, for he gave me life. I do not want to pay compliments. I love him. I know his habits. He loves me, for he knows my habits. I am without habits. Nijinsky has habits. Nijinsky is a man with faults. Nijinsky must be obeyed because he speaks with the tongue of god. I am Nijinsky. Nijinsky is I. I do not want Nijinsky to be hurt, and therefore I will protect him. I am afraid for him because he is afraid for himself. I know his power. He is a good man. I am a good god. I do not like a bad Nijinsky. I do not like a bad God. I am God. Nijinsky is God. Nijinsky is a good and not an evil man. People have not understood him, and will not understand him if they think. I know that if I were obeyed for several weeks at a stretch, great results would ensue. I know that everyone will want to learn from me, and therefore I hope that my preaching will be understood. Everything I write is a teaching essential to mankind. Romola is afraid of me because she feels that I am a preacher. Romola does not want to have a preacher for a husband. Romola wants a young, good-looking, and rich husband. I am rich, good-looking, and young. She does not feel me, because she does not understand my beauty. I do not have regular features. Regular features are not god. God is not regular features. God is feeling in face. A hunchback is God. I like hunchbacks. I like ugly people. I am an ugly man with feeling. I dance hunchbacks and straight-backs. I am the artist who loves all shapes and all kinds of beauty. Beauty is not a relative thing. Beauty is god. God is beauty with feeling. Beauty is in feeling. I love beauty because I feel it and therefore understand it. Thinking people write nonsense about beauty. Beauty cannot be discussed. Beauty cannot be criticized. Beauty is not criticism. I am not criticism. Criticism is an attempt to be clever. I do not try to be clever. I flaunt my beauty. I feel love for beauty. I am not looking for straight noses. I like straight noses. I like my wife's nose because it has feeling.